Hello Baby! I'm Dad

It all started about 27 years ago when my wife was pregnant with my eldest son. ‘I am soon going to be a father’, I used to say to myself. For all it meant at that time, I now look back and understand my naivety and inexperience.

Fatherhood has in the past been reduced to bringing money home. That is all the older generations of dads thought their role to be. The children were generally the mother’s responsibility, except for the “I’ll tell your father if you misbehave” warning often given to children so that they behave. This desiccated role most of us were exposed to could not teach us much about our roles as fathers and about our involvement with our children.

Many are the men whose fatherhood role is still reduced to one thin slice from the whole cake. Not knowing what they are missing, these men are oblivious to the reciprocity of what they can gain and contribute. It is perhaps not their fault of course, but a whole cultural, or sub-cultural fame-up, that doesn’t promote pride in fatherhood. The male role models in our culture don’t promise much in the changes ahead. And these changes are necessary even more than ever as women are called to contribute to their husbands’ income, and share the traditional role of the breadwinner. If this is not going to be compensated for by changes in the father’s role we will soon be precipitating further increases in separation and divorce rates.

But let’s not feel forced into becoming fathers! Because being a father beyond the provision of money and punishment can be an extremely rewarding experience for us men. In involving yourself more fully in your children’s lives there is something special and binding which no amount of money can replace. Our unfortunate history taught us to replace our presence with money. I invite every dad to rethink this position and shift. Ask small children what is it they want most from their dads and they will probably tell you, “to play with me”.

Becoming a father starts from day one, that is on the day you discover about the pregnancy. Interacting with an unborn child may sound crazy but it’s really good for the baby, for the mother, and for dad. It starts the process of becoming a father earlier and helps you bond with the child when it’s born. Fathers who don’t, often report feeling distanced from their child at birth and take longer to feel ‘dad’. Some would ask, ‘but how to interact with an unborn child’? There are many ways.

·       First of all be part of the whole pregnancy process. Attend clinics with your partner, see the baby on the ultrasound monitor.

·       Start establishing a routine to be present in the baby’s life. Plan ahead for the future.

·       Make time to discuss about your experience of becoming a father with your partner. It is very important that you share these feelings and thoughts with your spouse. This will help you connect with each other even more.

·       Listen to your spouse’s experience of pregnancy and motherhood. Women often find talking about this very exciting and somehow healing at the same time. Some women harbour some fears about being pregnant particularly about the future delivery. Be there to listen and understand.

·       Attend some pregnancy course with your wife and understand your role in the pregnancy and delivery.

·       Make your wife’s pregnancy the happiest moment in her life. The context within which the child grows has a bearing on the baby’s future health. Some research shows that moods are already detected by the child in the womb and have an effect on the child’s future moods. Some say its only chemistry! But I am not so sure. Making your wife’s pregnancy a happy one involves mainly your presence. Be there to listen to her experience of pregnancy. She is carrying your child after all!

·       Play with your child……… Yes play! Touch your wife’s tummy as your child grows inside her. Feel the changes as her belly expands. See how the baby reacts to your touch while you try different ‘knocks’. You’d be surprised, he or she might even knock back! Notice how it reacts to your voice as you speak to it.

·       Play different types of music (obviously not very loud) and discover the baby’s different reactions. Some music is relaxing for the unborn while another one may be happy. You may find this very helpful in the future when the child is born. Playing the same music your unborn child found relaxing will help the newborn relax.

·       Listen to its heartbeat. You don’t need a stethoscope for this. Either press your ear to your wife’s tummy in complete silence or use a funnel as a stethoscope. Its fun!

Interacting with your unborn child is healthy in many ways. First, it helps you adjust psychologically to your new role as a father. Its not easy to become a ‘father’ as you break through the traditional stereotypes associated with the role. Although fatherhood can contain some natural instinct, this is often overpowered by cultural stereotypes which portray fatherhood as mere provision of money. Second, it helps your relationship with your wife. As you participate fully in the pregnancy you will learn more about your wife as a person and her experience as a mother. Your interest in the child stimulates your sense of care, concern, and love between you and your wife. Third, it helps your future relationship with your child. As you interact with the unborn baby you will find it easier to handle the baby when it is born. Your sense of connectedness with your child becomes stronger, as will your understanding of the child’s needs, feelings, and so on. This will give the child a solid sense of attachment with you as well, which is very important for the growing child.

A new baby needs the father right from the start! Being involved in the life of newborns helps the child develop, learn, and grow. On average, children who are raised with involved, responsible, and committed fathers do better in school, make friends more easily, and are more self-confident than kids who aren't connected with their father.