Fighting Fairly

Some people believe that fighting in a relationship is a sign of deteriorating quality. Others become even very anxious when they feel a fight is on the brink and do anything to avoid fighting. When I say anything it is really anything.

But fighting is inevitable when your life is shared with someone for long enough. Not only, but it seems that it is an essential part of the process of growing together as a couple in the relationship. It’s the way couples fight that can make a difference between healthy fighting and detrimental fighting. My interest as a family therapist is not whether the couple fights or not, or whether its on the dishes or on the stupidities most of us fight about, but on the way couples fight, when do they do it and where. Fair fighting can therefore be a useful way to handle conflict without damaging the relationship.

It might seem very complex to fight fair but in actual fact, like most things in life, fighting fair can be easily learned and practised within the relationship. Lets see how:

One important rule in fair fighting is ALWAYS FIGHT FOR THE RELATIONSHIP: DON'T FIGHT TO WIN

1.     Don't let little things that bother you to accumulate. This may lead to episodes of large explosions during which you would not be able to control your emotions and focus on what it is you want to fight upon. And that's not fighting fair in your marriage or relationship.

2.     If you are angry about something and don't try to talk about it with your spouse within say 2 or 3 days, let it go. Too much time may have elapsed and most things would have been forgotten by your partner. Fighting fair means both of you knowing what the issue is  and both of you sticking to the subject.

3.     If your partner doesn't want to discuss the matter respect his or her tempo, set an appointment within the next 24 hours to have your fair fight.

4.     Keep your fight between the two of you. Don't bring in any third parties including parents, children, and best friends. Doing so is indicative of severe relationship problems and you might be better off seeking professional help.

5.     Fighting fair means you don't hit below the belt by attacking the personhood of your partner, or by bringing in mistakes of the past history.

6.     Fighting fair means no name calling or derogative adjectives.

7.     Listen to one another carefully while you fight. Observe body language and tones. Try to understand the feeling behind the words your partner is saying and try to address that when it is your turn. DON'T INTERRUPT EACH OTHER!

8.     Don't blame your partner! Fighting fair is all about speaking in the 'I'. ('I feel hurt' rather than 'you've hurt me')

9.     Look into each other's eyes while fighting. Holding hands is an option for the less angry moments.

10.  Ask for forgiveness and be willing to forgive.

11.  End the fight with a hug!

These steps above are mostly the results of research findings on conflict in couple relatiationships. Some are also the result of my clinical experience with couples in conflict. Learning to fight fairly is essential for a healthy relationship. Some people tell me "but its not easy". Nothing comes easy and only practice and hard work make perfect. Only hard work can improve your relationship.