Hello Baby! I'm Dad

It all started about 27 years ago when my wife was pregnant with my eldest son. ‘I am soon going to be a father’, I used to say to myself. For all it meant at that time, I now look back and understand my naivety and inexperience.

Fatherhood has in the past been reduced to bringing money home. That is all the older generations of dads thought their role to be. The children were generally the mother’s responsibility, except for the “I’ll tell your father if you misbehave” warning often given to children so that they behave. This desiccated role most of us were exposed to could not teach us much about our roles as fathers and about our involvement with our children.

Many are the men whose fatherhood role is still reduced to one thin slice from the whole cake. Not knowing what they are missing, these men are oblivious to the reciprocity of what they can gain and contribute. It is perhaps not their fault of course, but a whole cultural, or sub-cultural fame-up, that doesn’t promote pride in fatherhood. The male role models in our culture don’t promise much in the changes ahead. And these changes are necessary even more than ever as women are called to contribute to their husbands’ income, and share the traditional role of the breadwinner. If this is not going to be compensated for by changes in the father’s role we will soon be precipitating further increases in separation and divorce rates.

But let’s not feel forced into becoming fathers! Because being a father beyond the provision of money and punishment can be an extremely rewarding experience for us men. In involving yourself more fully in your children’s lives there is something special and binding which no amount of money can replace. Our unfortunate history taught us to replace our presence with money. I invite every dad to rethink this position and shift. Ask small children what is it they want most from their dads and they will probably tell you, “to play with me”.

Becoming a father starts from day one, that is on the day you discover about the pregnancy. Interacting with an unborn child may sound crazy but it’s really good for the baby, for the mother, and for dad. It starts the process of becoming a father earlier and helps you bond with the child when it’s born. Fathers who don’t, often report feeling distanced from their child at birth and take longer to feel ‘dad’. Some would ask, ‘but how to interact with an unborn child’? There are many ways.

·       First of all be part of the whole pregnancy process. Attend clinics with your partner, see the baby on the ultrasound monitor.

·       Start establishing a routine to be present in the baby’s life. Plan ahead for the future.

·       Make time to discuss about your experience of becoming a father with your partner. It is very important that you share these feelings and thoughts with your spouse. This will help you connect with each other even more.

·       Listen to your spouse’s experience of pregnancy and motherhood. Women often find talking about this very exciting and somehow healing at the same time. Some women harbour some fears about being pregnant particularly about the future delivery. Be there to listen and understand.

·       Attend some pregnancy course with your wife and understand your role in the pregnancy and delivery.

·       Make your wife’s pregnancy the happiest moment in her life. The context within which the child grows has a bearing on the baby’s future health. Some research shows that moods are already detected by the child in the womb and have an effect on the child’s future moods. Some say its only chemistry! But I am not so sure. Making your wife’s pregnancy a happy one involves mainly your presence. Be there to listen to her experience of pregnancy. She is carrying your child after all!

·       Play with your child……… Yes play! Touch your wife’s tummy as your child grows inside her. Feel the changes as her belly expands. See how the baby reacts to your touch while you try different ‘knocks’. You’d be surprised, he or she might even knock back! Notice how it reacts to your voice as you speak to it.

·       Play different types of music (obviously not very loud) and discover the baby’s different reactions. Some music is relaxing for the unborn while another one may be happy. You may find this very helpful in the future when the child is born. Playing the same music your unborn child found relaxing will help the newborn relax.

·       Listen to its heartbeat. You don’t need a stethoscope for this. Either press your ear to your wife’s tummy in complete silence or use a funnel as a stethoscope. Its fun!

Interacting with your unborn child is healthy in many ways. First, it helps you adjust psychologically to your new role as a father. Its not easy to become a ‘father’ as you break through the traditional stereotypes associated with the role. Although fatherhood can contain some natural instinct, this is often overpowered by cultural stereotypes which portray fatherhood as mere provision of money. Second, it helps your relationship with your wife. As you participate fully in the pregnancy you will learn more about your wife as a person and her experience as a mother. Your interest in the child stimulates your sense of care, concern, and love between you and your wife. Third, it helps your future relationship with your child. As you interact with the unborn baby you will find it easier to handle the baby when it is born. Your sense of connectedness with your child becomes stronger, as will your understanding of the child’s needs, feelings, and so on. This will give the child a solid sense of attachment with you as well, which is very important for the growing child.

A new baby needs the father right from the start! Being involved in the life of newborns helps the child develop, learn, and grow. On average, children who are raised with involved, responsible, and committed fathers do better in school, make friends more easily, and are more self-confident than kids who aren't connected with their father.

Fighting Fairly

Some people believe that fighting in a relationship is a sign of deteriorating quality. Others become even very anxious when they feel a fight is on the brink and do anything to avoid fighting. When I say anything it is really anything.

But fighting is inevitable when your life is shared with someone for long enough. Not only, but it seems that it is an essential part of the process of growing together as a couple in the relationship. It’s the way couples fight that can make a difference between healthy fighting and detrimental fighting. My interest as a family therapist is not whether the couple fights or not, or whether its on the dishes or on the stupidities most of us fight about, but on the way couples fight, when do they do it and where. Fair fighting can therefore be a useful way to handle conflict without damaging the relationship.

It might seem very complex to fight fair but in actual fact, like most things in life, fighting fair can be easily learned and practised within the relationship. Lets see how:

One important rule in fair fighting is ALWAYS FIGHT FOR THE RELATIONSHIP: DON'T FIGHT TO WIN

1.     Don't let little things that bother you to accumulate. This may lead to episodes of large explosions during which you would not be able to control your emotions and focus on what it is you want to fight upon. And that's not fighting fair in your marriage or relationship.

2.     If you are angry about something and don't try to talk about it with your spouse within say 2 or 3 days, let it go. Too much time may have elapsed and most things would have been forgotten by your partner. Fighting fair means both of you knowing what the issue is  and both of you sticking to the subject.

3.     If your partner doesn't want to discuss the matter respect his or her tempo, set an appointment within the next 24 hours to have your fair fight.

4.     Keep your fight between the two of you. Don't bring in any third parties including parents, children, and best friends. Doing so is indicative of severe relationship problems and you might be better off seeking professional help.

5.     Fighting fair means you don't hit below the belt by attacking the personhood of your partner, or by bringing in mistakes of the past history.

6.     Fighting fair means no name calling or derogative adjectives.

7.     Listen to one another carefully while you fight. Observe body language and tones. Try to understand the feeling behind the words your partner is saying and try to address that when it is your turn. DON'T INTERRUPT EACH OTHER!

8.     Don't blame your partner! Fighting fair is all about speaking in the 'I'. ('I feel hurt' rather than 'you've hurt me')

9.     Look into each other's eyes while fighting. Holding hands is an option for the less angry moments.

10.  Ask for forgiveness and be willing to forgive.

11.  End the fight with a hug!

These steps above are mostly the results of research findings on conflict in couple relatiationships. Some are also the result of my clinical experience with couples in conflict. Learning to fight fairly is essential for a healthy relationship. Some people tell me "but its not easy". Nothing comes easy and only practice and hard work make perfect. Only hard work can improve your relationship.

Responsible Divorce

Today, the 25th of July 2011, the law for a responsible divorce has been passed by the House. Being younger than history, I don't remember any law the caused so much havoc and chaos, as well as a low that had to undergo such a rigorous three way test (Parliament-Referendum-Parliament). It is a law that once again polarized the parties into their respective pole, thus highlighting that pole.

The most highlighted position was that of the Nationalist Party, and how close it still is to the Church. The PN, or rather some of its members including the leader, has gone through a circus of somersaults from offering a free vote to its members while taking a position against, to asking the people to decide through a referendum while continuing to completely disregard the people's choice. Its been a like a confused choreography created for a music the choreographer doesn't like. The problem is that the choreographer being the prime minister, makes it hard for him to manage a country he doesn't represent any more. How can the people who voted yes for the introduction for the divorce law trust him and his obstinate colleagues??

Natural or Professional Care?

Relationships are never simple. Their default complexity relies on the intricacies of human psychology, in which the boundaries of time often collapse; The past becomes the present and the present the past. One’s childhood experiences are often re-enacted in adulthood, in other intimate adult relationships. All this beyond conscious knowledge of course, without us thinking about it. In particular, the attachment style and attachment patterns with which we learned to relate to our primary carers as children remain particularly powerful in later adult intimate relationships.

Attachment refers to that strong affectional bond that one person forms with another special person. A bond that binds them together in space and endures over time. It involves special patterns of relating and particular ways of expressing oneself; patterns of communication, of involvement and relating. These special ties influence our psychological development and are vital to healthy development of emotions, cognitions, and behaviours.

Alcohol and Alcoholism

Alcohol is as part of our culture as is goat cheese. But unlike good goat cheese, which is disappearing along with the goats, alcohol consumption seems to be constantly increasing. The Maltese are practically surrounded by bars, band clubs, football clubs, hobbies clubs, and what not, all selling alcohol mostly to anyone, irrespective of the existent non-reinforced laws. No one seems to understand the dangers involved and no one really can unless one experiences alcoholism and the devastating impact it can have on oneself and one’s family.

I don’t really want to go into the debate of whether alcoholism is a disease or a choice. No research seems to be conclusive on the matter and I wonder if it will ever be. What interests me though is that alcohol, like other drugs, is involved in the collective escapade from everyday life, a social phenomenon related to increasing individualism and isolation. The drink after work and the week-end boozing are classical example of this.